The Recovery Centre


The scene opens in a typical addiction recovery centre. This one is in Woolwich, London. There are several people in the room waiting. There is a reception woman at a desk and a nurse who walks about. The two key characters are sitting together. They talk very animatedly like long lost friends.

DAVE: So how have you been old chap!

SID: Brilliant mate, brilliant!

DAVE: How’s the family?

SID: Sweet as a nut as it happens, sweet as a nut. How’s yours?

DAVE: Not too pleasant mate, it is what it is.

SID: Crap.

DAVE: Yeah.

SID: What’s the problem?

DAVE: Drink mate.

SID: Ah, the demon drink.

DAVE: Too right, too fucking right.

NURSE: Is one of you Dave “The Rave” Gorman?

DAVE: Yes darlin’ that’s me.

NURSE: (stiffly) It would be better if you were to stick to your given names.

DAVE: It was given to me, properly by the lads. Serious.

NURSE: Humph (walks away)

SID: Bloody cheek, I blame the government.

DAVE: Yeah, mind, I can’t complain.

SID: How so?

DAVE: Well, you know, I got a Lamborghini parked outside.

SID: Get away!

DAVE: Serious.

SID: Brilliant. How’d you swing that?

DAVE: I got… a sugar daddy.

SID: Haha! Well done old boy. How does that work?

DAVE: He buys me things. Takes me shopping, fur coats, the whole bit.

SID: Smart. And that’s it? No bumming?

DAVE: Well, only a bit, but why not? Actually, not much though, he’s very gentle.

SID: Blimey, you’re a lucky one. I wish I had one.

DAVE: Well, why not? You’re a good looking one, pleasant to talk to.

SID: Oh, I’m a bitch.

DAVE: But they like that.

SID: Really?

DAVE: Oh yes, have a paddy about the Lambo being the wrong shade of purple, they love it. Makes them feel all needed.

SID: Smart. Sounds good.

DAVE: It is mate, it is, and he knows I don’t love him.

SID: Brilliant mate, brilliant! So why are you in here today?

DAVE: Ah, well, the old coke addiction. Comes with the whole thing really.

SID: Ah, crap.

DAVE: Not too pleasant mate, it is what it is.

SID: Still, you can always go for a drive down the docks.

DAVE: Definitely.

SID: How does he feel about that?

DAVE: Well, he likes a bit of a hard time, keeps him going like.

SID: That’s good, gets his money’s worth then.

DAVE: Certainly, can’t let him down.

SID: Brilliant mate, brilliant!

NURSE: Are you Sid “The Sharp” Siddington?

SID: That’s me.

NURSE: We would appreciate if you kept to given names.

SID: Fair enough darlin’.

NURSE: Humph.

DAVE: The cheek of it.

SID: Yeah, well, can’t complain.


SID: Yeah, got a luxury yacht down the docks.

DAVE: Splendid old chap.

SID: Yeah, won the lottery, bought myself a 120 footer. Swimming pool, helicopter, the whole bit.

DAVE: That’s superb.

SID: Yeah, was in Monaco the other day for the Grand Prix.

DAVE: Did you have a party?

SID: For sure, that Jensen Button was there and Claudia Winkelman. Even Tom Jones. Asked him to do a spot on the PA. “It’s not unusual to be loved by anyone, dadadada da da.”

NURSE: No singing please!

SID: Ok darlin’

DAVE: The cheek of it.

SID:Yes mate.

DAVE: I’ve heard Tom Jones is a nice chap.

SID: Definitely mate, salt of the earth.

DAVE: Where are you off to after here?

SID: Thinking of New Zealand. The girlfriend wants to go and get married there. Probably cruise down via Dubai and stuff. She’s used to the best is Zara. (Takes a can of Special Brew from his bag. Has a quick secret swig and offers it to Dave who does the same secret swig. They look around at the staff and hide the can. They continue swigging during the rest of the conversation.)

DAVE: Nice one mate.

SID: No problem.

DAVE: Of course, you know I have a production company now?

SID: Get away.

DAVE: No, straight up. The daddy bought it for me. Make documentaries.

SID: Smart.

DAVE: Yeah, sell ‘em on Amazon.

SID: Really?

DAVE: David Attenborough was in the other day.

SID: Nice one mate. I’ve heard he’s a top chap.

DAVE: Yeah, salt of the earth.

SID: Nice.

DAVE: Yeah, can’t complain.

SID: Of course, you know, I have a theatre up Dury Lane.

DAVE: Yeah?

SID: Yeah, always a new show on, big names, love it.

DAVE: Nice.

SID: Yep. Michael Fast Bender, Fate Twinset, Beonceie, Jay Zed, you name it.

DAVE: Yeah, you can’t beat a bit of show biz mate, for sure.

SID: Of course I have my finger in many pies these days, bit of this, bit of that, you know what I mean?

DAVE: I do mate, I do.

SID: Going to do a programme with Jeremy Clarkson soon.

DAVE: Not the Hamster and Captain Slow too?

SID: Narr mate, just Jezza.

DAVE: Nice one mate. I heard Jezza is a really nice chap.

SID: Yep, salt of the earth mate, salt of the earth.

DAVE: Oh, need to get out of here soon, got to pickup the ex.

SID: Yeah?

DAVE: Yeah, going to Ascot later in the Lambo. She likes all the hats.

SID: Haha! Yeah they do, mine loves a good hat. Your sugar daddy doesn’t get jealous then?

DAVE: Oh yes mate, but it does him a bit of good, takes his mind off his high powered job like.

SID: Lovely.

DAVE: Yeah, doesn’t mind if I knock her up across the racing seats either.

SID: Haha, good stuff.

DAVE: Yeah, bit of a problem though, very tight quarters.

SID: What? Her or the Lambo?

DAVE: Haha. Nice one mate.

SID: I jest mate, I jest.

DAVE: I know. So, anyway, I’m thinking of buying an airline, like that Richard Branswarn.

SID: Yeah that’s a smart move, he’s a good chap I’ve heard that Ricard, Branswearing.

DAVE: Yeah, salt of the earth mate.

SID: Corr, time’s knocking on here, don’t they realize how important we are?

DAVE: No mate, they have no idea here, bloody NHS.

SID: Yeah, disgraceful isn’t it?

DAVE: It is that, it is that.

SID: Oh, this can is empty, I’ll open another one.

DAVE: That’s very good of you indeed mate.

SID: Least I can do for a fellow businessman.

DAVE: Lovely, we need to stick together us aunt-ray-peneers.

SID: Yeah, no one else will eh?

DAVE: For sure, for sure.

SID: Nice one mate.

DAVE: Blimey, time is a wasting, and I left me mobiles at home.

SID: Me too. Forgot to put the Rolex on too.

DAVE: Yeah. I came out in these rags. Forgot to dress up in the Armani today. The tie alone is worth a few k.

SID: For sure. I came out in my decorating rags, bloody forgetful, all the high-pressure business transactions going through my head.

DAVE: Always the way isn’t it with business. All that money to keep track of and buying and selling.

SID: For sure mate.

DAVE: Better than prostituting your self for the man eh?

SID: Definitely, working for the man is shit.

DAVE: Yep.

SID: Yep.

DAVE: Blimey, this is boring this place, the old Lambo keys are burning a hole in my pocket.

SID: Definitely mate. I can’t wait to be off and out, back to the ship.

DAVE: I bet.

SID: Still, can’t be long now.

DAVE: Hopefully, mate, hopefully.

SID: Fuck me this place is the worst.

DAVE: It is, about as bad as Coldhits ain’t it?

SID: Yes mate, worse, no escape plane in the attic here.

DAVE: Haha, for sure.

SID: Still, could be worse.

DAVE: Yeah, one could have Altsymers.

SID: Fucking Altsymers, fuck yeah, nasty.

DAVE: Actually, nuts for this as a game of soldiers. I’m off.

SID: Yes mate, me too, had enough.

DAVE: Nice bumping into you.

SID: What was your name again?

DAVE: Jean Luke Picard mate.

SID: Cool. I’m Lewtenant Wharf.

DAVE: Nice to meet you Mr Wharf.

They walk to the door and leave. In the street, they each turn in opposite directions and walk slowly into the distance.