A Douglas Adams inspired sci-fi piece written in 2017
Ead pressed the buttons of his spaceship and brought it into land at Trafalgar Square. It was 1pm in the afternoon on a Saturday.
No one saw the spaceship land as he had cloaked it. All that happened was that a bin appeared in Trafalgar Square. However, Ead had been even more careful and decided to make the spaceship invisible. Therefore, an invisible bin arrived in Trafalgar Square but did not appear, as much as, failed to add to the number of bins.
Jade was standing near the landing site of the invisible bin/spaceship. She certainly felt something but with the lack of actual – bin, she put it down to having had one too many coffees. Then when a man appeared from nowhere, she could only assume this was perfectly normal for someone as wired as her.
The man looked at her with, well, complete lust. She just knew that the dress was too skimpy but it had been so hot that morning.
“Hello earth woman,” said Ead. “My name is Ead. Error 451…”
Jade never talked to funny men, especially with funny accents. She tugged the dress around the bust in order to hide them a bit but she felt the hem rise up her leg. Her plan had backfired and she now felt quite creeped out. She decided to walk away but found that she was unable to.
Ead congratulated himself on having packed his mobile tractor beam. It worked as well on this human as it had worked on the giant Bastardaril warship he had encountered on the way to earth. Now it would hold the human until he could get his translator back online. The human was struggling.
Scot was prowling around the square when he saw a pretty girl with great legs struggling to get away from a weird guy. Scot was never one to pass a damsel in distress. He ran over to them and called to the girl.
“He troublin’ you babe?”
“I want him to go away,” she shrieked.
Scot landed his best right hook on the funny man. The funny man went over backwards. The girl virtually leaped into Scot’s arms. Scot took this as a good sign and made away from the man holding her hand.
They ran for a few blocks out towards St James’s Park. Scot felt very manly that day.
Jade had felt the tractor beam loosen its grip, and as she had been struggling to free herself, was flung towards the muscly man wearing shorts. She collided with his sweaty torso. Next thing she knew, he had grabbed her hand and tugged her off to St James’s Park. After the effects of the tractor beam she felt helplessly pulled along.
When they got to the park, the man stopped tugging her but failed to let go of her hand. He turned to her.
“Lucky I was there darlin’”
He leered towards her, his other hand came up and touched her leg, pulling at the hem. She could feel fresh air where it should not have been. The muscle man bought his face close to hers and his tongue lolled out, then he pitched forward and placed his face in her cleavage. For some reason he then slumped to the floor and passed out.
She looked up and standing before her was the other weird man. She wondered if the day could get any worse.
When Ead was punched, he went over backwards and the tractor beam generator flew out of his hand. However, it did put the translator unit online. When the stars stopped floating around his head, he saw the woman being tugged away. He got unsteadily up and followed. When they got to the park, the man started to do things to the woman that were unacceptable by Ead’s standards. Ead fired a stun bolt into the man and he slumped forward and then to the floor.
“Sorry,” he said to the woman, “English not good, that not a nice man.” He pointed at Scot. “Please, can you tell me the way to Tesco? I’m starving.”